Sand Siblings and Severe Strangeness
by monkeybait
Summary: Temari is having a very bizarre day. Could this be the reader's fault?


"Gaara," asked Temari. "Did you eat my hairbrush?"

It was an innocent enough question, posed in an innocent enough way. But Kankuro could sense the malice behind it, the venom in her calm words that meant she was poised to strike as soon as 'yes' was spoken. He turned to his brother, who was sitting with his arms folded, without a clear expression on his face. This was not helped by his lack of eyebrows.

"Why do you suspect me?" he growled in a hoarse voice that could liquefy bricks, as well as the hearts of many fan girls.

"Because" –and Kankuro could tell she was getting close to the explosion –"there are nibble marks on the handle and the entire head is gone. Considering we don't have any pets, especially ones that could deal this kind of damage, you are my top suspect. Now tell me: was it you?" Temari leaned in close to his face in intimidation, to which her youngest brother did not even flinch.

Gaara stared blankly, then shifted his eyes downward. "I'll throw it back up if you let me have a sandbox in my room."

"For the last time!" Temari shouted, and Kankuro escaped to go watch _Pinocchio_ in the safety of his bedroom. "I am not getting you a sandbox! You cannot have a sandbox! There is sand everywhere! There is sand outside! The buildings are made of sand! You carry sand with you everywhere you go in that giant peanut of yours! For what purpose you possibly need more sand?!"

"I think it would add a nice touch to my room."

"Then ask Santa for it," Temari huffed, on her last nerve.

"Yeah," Gaara grumbled. "'Santa'. The same 'Santa' who got me a 64-pack of crayons when I asked for a motorcycle and a flame thrower."

"'Santa' can't dip that far into the family bank account," Temari snarled in response. "And you know I can't buy you those kinds of weapons. You'd be on the naughty list anyway. Especially after you opened the nice crayons 'Santa' got you, swallowed each one whole, and spent the rest of the day barfing up rainbows."

"Wax just doesn't settle with my stomach," Gaara mumbled, pouting.

"But brush bristles do."

"Exactly."

Temari blinked. "So you admit it."

"Admit what?"

"Never mind." Temari turned to leave. "Sorry, bro. No sandbox. Oh, and don't mention that 'Santa' stuff about Kankuro. He still doesn't know."

Gaara raised the area where his eyebrows should have been. "Wait… you mean… Kankuro still believes?"

Temari barred the entrance with her body. "And you're not telling him."

"Not telling me what?" Kankuro asked, peering cautiously around his door.

"That Temari's Santa!" Gaara shouted at him, receiving an attempted blow to the face from his sister.

Kankuro simply snorted in response. "Oh, grow up, Gaara. Temari can't ride around in a sleigh with reindeer, giving all the people in the world presents in one night. Next thing you're going to tell me is that we're an elaborate story invented by a guy somewhere far away, and that our lives hang in the balance of a pen while people all over the world press their noses against TV's and the pages of comic books, holding their breath at our doom and laughing at our mistakes, while they come up with stories of their own, dress like us, and potentially fall in love with us until the real plotline ends or we all die."

Temari and Gaara gave each other a side glance. Perhaps there were some things they could never tell him.

"_Besides_, if Santa doesn't exist, how else could I have this great new television?" Kankuro hoisted it into the room.

"What's a television?" Temari asked.

"You should know. You bought it for him, 'Santa'," Gaara shrugged.

"I swear I didn't!" she hissed back.

"No duh. I told you, Santa brought it." Kankuro rolled his eyes at their 'ignorance'.

"There's little people trapped in there," Temari noted.

Gaara made a move for the kitchen. "Excellent. We can set them on fire."

"No!" Kankuro shouted. "If fire or water touches it, it stops working. And there's no people trapped inside. It's a moving picture that displays the past. Kind of like a crystal ball, only-"

"Square," Gaara filled in.

"Uh, no," Kankuro sweat dropped. "Only the pasts sometimes didn't happen. Like a play. You can see plays and people playing games and moving pictures like this one that's all about puppets." He pointed to Pinocchio.

"Pictures that people draw?" Temari asked.

"How lame. People should focus on the real world, not on the lives of characters that don't even exist," Gaara grunted. "I'm going to go buy a hammer and nails and some planks of wood. If you won't let me have a sandbox, then I'm going to build one."

"Yay! You're being productive! Good for you!" Temari cheered.

"What? You're happy? In that case, I'm staying here." Gaara slumped onto the floor and watched Pinocchio with Kankuro.

"It's all about puppets," Kankuro reiterated happily.

The three watched for a while. Gaara liked the part with the evil whale, especially when it caught on fire. Kankuro cried miserably when Pinocchio turned into a real boy. Temari thought the whole thing was stupid and never allowed them to watch TV again.

"Our lives are way better than that hooey," she snapped, thrusting the device out the window.

"But our lives are real," Kankuro said.

"Yeah. 'Real'."

"I think we like apostrophes today."

"Yes. And sarcasm."

"I don't get it. Why are we being sarcastic about our existence? And Santa's existence of all things?"

"Oh, for the love of- _SANTA ISN'T REAL_!"

"Well of course not," said Kankuro, pointing at his brother. "Not to you. He's alive in our hearts."

Gaara looked at his chest. He wondered if he was in possession of one of those.

"You aren't," Temari joked.

Gaara looked thoroughly upset. "Darn it. Now how am I supposed to tragically commit suicide when I find out my dad is really a homicidal murderer?" "Gaara, our dad isn't a homicidal murderer," Kankuro whispered to him.

"Gee. Thank you," Gaara said flatly. "Now seriously, where did you get that crystal box?"

"Seriously, Santa gave it to me! And it's called a 'television'-"

"Santa isn't real, Kankuro," Temari interrupted, deciding she may as well get it over with. "I'm 'Santa'. And I don't know who gave you that television thing, but-"

"But you don't have a beard," Kankuro observed.

"No. So whomever gave you that-"

"And you're not fat," Kankuro observed.

"Yes, that's right. _So_ whomever gave you that, you'd better return it because-"

"And you're not jolly," Gaara observed.

"No! I'm not jolly either," Temari hissed. "Especially not at you and your sandbox. But seriously, Kankuro, who gave you that?"

"Santa Claus!" Kankuro shouted in defense.

Suddenly the TV exploded, along with the rest of the Sand siblings' house.

"Oh no!" Temari yelled. "Our house! _Kankuro-_"

"Gaara did it!" Kankuro coughed a black cloud and huddled behind Gaara's massive sand container.

"Mwa, ha, ha! That was fun! I think I'll deceive the Sand again in two years," said (dun, dun, dun!) Deidera from the Akatsuki!

Temari and Gaara rounded on their brother. "_Deidera_ gave you a pet television with a _bomb_ in it?! You said it was Santa Claus!"

Kankuro put a finger to his chin. "I am always getting those two confused…"

"'Pet'? Whatever. Bye." Deidera floated away on his giant clay bird, considering his fun was over.

"See?! See?! He can fly!" Kankuro pointed rapidly at the evil ninja.

"Shut up, Kankuro. Now we have nowhere to live," Temari huffed and plunked onto the ground. "Stop staring at us," she told a couple of curious young boys who had come to see what blew up.

"Yes we do," said Gaara flatly. "I built us a sandbox."

"I am not living in a sandbox. Go away! We're not that interesting!" Temari shouted at the young boys again.

"That's not a sandbox," Kankuro said pointedly. "That's just a matchbox with some sand in it."

"Duh. Hence the sandbox. Box of sand. Don't you know anything?"

"That does it! I quit! Nothing makes any sense! Nothing!" Temari stomped off. She stomped off quite far. She stomped off until…

**STOP! THIS IS THE BACK OF THE BOOK. YOU DON'T WANT TO RUIN THE STORY, DO YOU?**

"Uh…" Temari blinked at the black letters in the white abyss she had somehow managed to find. "Oh, shoot! Someone read the book backwards _again_. No wonder everything was so loopy. Let's see… Maybe if I walk back home, everything will be normal again…"

So Temari went back.

"Hey, guys, how is everything?" Temari asked her brothers.

"Well, I'm the Kazekage," said Gaara. "I guess that's a good thing."

"I'm Kankuro," said Kankuro. "I don't have possess an important title."

"Much better," said Temari, and went to go brush her hair.

**I took my random pills today. Apparently. :D**


End file.
